Following an enjoyable few days (DTB at The Lexington – mesmerising, an evening with Les French and The Scot – good company as ever, The Haberdashery – superb cake, a jaunt to look at my new home out East – nervewracking and exciting), a small adult refreshment with The Marrieds made a sweet finale to my weekend.
I arrived at the drinker of choice, where they lay in wait. The second he laid eyes on me, Lord Married got his phone out and said “oh, you’ll know about this” and proceeded to show me something…well, I knew not quite what.
It looked like a badly whittled stick. Turns out the picture features on a page for the source of much knowledge (and often a source of much hilarity for me), Wikipedia. The page in question is about ‘figging’.
Right, you lot – hands up who knows what ‘figging’ is when it’s at home?
I’m imagining not many of you. Here you go - prepare to broaden your mind (if nothing else):
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Figging
What the flipping fuck? Quite honestly, I had no idea. I’m now slightly concerned about the public perception of me. “Oh, you’ll know about this” – HOW? WHY? The thought of me inviting any of my gentleman callers to pop a pared bit of fiery root up my behind is, quite frankly, highly unlikely. I’m a nice, old-fashioned girl. The only orifice I’m putting ginger into at the moment is my mouth, coupled with hot water and some lovely honey because I’m full of bloody cold.
Oh, and into my cakes. But rest assured, lucky recipients – the ginger in my baking has come straight out of a jar from Waitrose. Not my arse.
(Postscript: actually, I come from a long line of nice, old-fashioned girls. A few years ago, Little Mum was celebrating her 75th birthday. We took the old darling to her favourite Chinese restaurant, a rather swanky affair near Leeds. The accountant brother-in-law looks after their books, and in turn, they did a lovely job of looking after us. Following a spectacular feed, the charming owner brought out a special treat for Little Mum, one of those ridiculous banana-masquerading-as-penis affairs, a tiny bit bizarre for such an eatery. 10 out of 10 for creativity, though - they used that crispy seaweed stuff to depict the pubes. "Ooooh!", squealed Little Mum in delight when she saw her pudding. And, as she went to lick the tip of the banana, she confided in a conspiratorial tone..."I've never done this with a real one". Try and imagine the faces of her daughters, her teenage grandson, her son-in-law. Laughed my head off. Then thought, "bloody hell - poor Dad, god rest his soul".)
NB: bell end is a lychee. Genius.
**NEWSFLASH!** Picture above has caused much jollity among those of you who hadn't already seen it. What I've just discovered via my blogging stats is that it's been downloaded quite a bit in the last few days since posted here. This makes me wonder if, a) I have unwittingly become a pusher of geriatric porn and a filthy network of granny fiddlers are using it to get their kicks, or b) like me, people find this picture so sweet yet utterly hilarious that they now have it as their screensaver. I'm hoping the latter, and that Little Mum becomes an internet sensation known as "lovely grey-haired old dear performing fellatio on that banana".
